Minnesota Finally Masters 'Cold'

Location: Work Parking Garage

Date: 4/13/06

Time: 4:32pm.

Keep that locked away in your brains, because that was the first detected humidity of the season by yours truly. Not that I'm in any way certified as a meteorologist (heck, I wasn't half-sure I spelled it correctly), but I can typically pick up on the two major changes in weather that preclude massive changes to follow: a chill that isn't just the breeze (*gulp*) and humidity.

We live in the delightful area of the country where we are subject to involuntary kryogenic suspension for what seems like 8 months and then the remaining 4 we are left to deal with humidity and the ensuing swarms of mosquitos. Ok, so I definitely sound like I'm whining...understandable; but what makes this harder yet to deal with is the fact that between these two seasons we get to experience spring and fall in about 2 weeks apiece. I swear it was just last week that temperatures had actually stabled above the 40's and now here's the humidity. God forbid you get sick and have to stay in or oversleep a few days during those weeks, 'cause if you miss it...good luck waiting another year.

Now, I suppose I grew up in a somwhat sheltered environment (Colorado, lest you've forgotten) where it would snow about a foot and within a day or two have melted away from temperatures spiking into the 60's during winter. Alas, that is not the case up here in the arctic tundra where it is generally a good idea to rotate Huskies every 5,000 miles or else you'll be balancing your sled all winter long. Pot-holes are really rough on those little guys paws...

My humor is so pathetic at the end of the day...well anyway. Nevertheless, it appears that Minnesota has passed the "be-frozen-solid-from-September-through-March" Challenge and we're about to begin experiencing what folks in Tampa had to struggle through during all those winter months. (My heart goes out to them.)

Very little else has seemed of consequence in the last few days, though I am still brainstorming some thoughts to continue the last posting. Let's just say this is a freebie...apparently no earth-shattering hypotheses or introspection. I suppose my best advice is to go outside, take a deep breath and be grateful (something of which it is SO easy to lose sight on a daily basis).

Am pondering going to a concert downtown tomorrow: Sanctus Real, Mainstay and The Afters. Sounds like one heck of a cool show. Just found out about Mainstay a few nights ago, though I've been listening to them on a local christian rock radio station for awhile. Apparently a local band with three guys who went to college up in the Cities. Sanctus Real, always a favorite and all three are pretty decently recognized naitonally within the Christian rock community. Well, I guess we'll see when tomorrow comes. $10 a ticket to pre-order or $13 at the door, not bad compared to most concerts and imagine the message of some of the songs. Well, anyway I can tell this is the slippery slope upon which I often slide into one of my lectures. Like I said: freebie. It's gorgeous and bright out (it's 7:30pm?!) and I have to go enjoy it as should you, assuming you're in as good a climate or better than here. Off to try to get my first sunburn!

"Writer's Block" (or any other suggested excuses...)

Ok, so I realize it's been about two weeks...alright, more if you're counting. In which case give yourself a brownie point, then immediately subtract two for being an impatient reader. I can't say with a clear conscience as to why I haven't gotten off my ass to write and keep this updated (my apologies to my parents for the colloquial anatomical reference, though wouldn't it really be getting back on one's ass to write? I can't say that I've ever produced much writing standing up.) Enough with my parenthetical asides though, I digress...just like I did in life the last couple weeks.

Complete honesty would find me admitting that the last couple weeks have been rough; and that I'm using this time to write as much as a form of cathartic therapy as anything to do with updating the world about my bored, frustrated and excited existence. Yes, my emotions are a quandry sometimes, but how is that unlike anyone else really?

The last couple weeks the repetitive and beleaguered nature of my job has festered within me more than usual, producing the whole depressive tendencies that I apparently was among the few, the proud to carry. I typically can shake it from my head and soul and get back on track, one of the most profound ways I can testify in which Christ has exhibited his work and ability to hear prayers in my life. It's bizarre that even after battling depression since 8th grade, each and every time it shows itself as more than just a backseat passenger in my life the approach for survival is the same. I mean absolutely no offense or melodrama to those who are at this point beginning to flip through other open browser windows afraid that a sob-story is all that awaits them on this page. It may be hard to see manifested or explain beyond simple, generalized terms but it's affect is real and brutal to those who know.

That's why I say that it's strange when it rears its ugly head, because it becomes a totally conscious entity. It's like the worst aftertaste you've ever had from food that you love...you know it will continue to occur on some level (because, c'mon who's gonna give up on Thai or Mexican simply because of an aftertaste?) and yet it's strong enough that it affects how you interact with others or the proxiomity with which you engage. Ok, so the metaphorical ties are weak, but for those of us with imaginations it works to some degree (those of you who are making an attempt to understand what I'm saying...give yourself two bonus brownie points for helping me out.)

That's why when it shows up, it's like an intervention that you have to do to yourself. You nearly stop what you're doing, and face the fact that it's not going to simply go away if you ignore it...just like every other 'flare up' you've ever had. And yet, it's at the core of this admission of what seems to be weakness that I've been fortunate enough to find some of the deepest comfort and serenity. I remember something that only really took affect a few years ago (really, the middle-age of my recovery from depression) in understanding and truly living-with this weirdness in my head. My mother had suggested that the frustration, fear and helplessness in my own body were all things that were only to some degree wihtin my control and that some of it had to be channeled elsewhere. That elsewhere she would refer to was God.

Sure enough, it sounds simple and maybe it really is for most people. However, I'm not sure that's really the case, or if it is that they are really considering the scope of what it means to psychologically (and frankly, therefore somewhat physically as well) 'hand over one's fears.' I'm not trying to sound judgemental or pious. Who am I to determine if someone really considers the extent of this 'action?' But I know that to me the idea of letting go of something that is preying upon your instinct for survival and let your guard down can feel completely contrary to our wiring as humans. It's a leap of faith and has become a perfect way for me to exhibit my understanding of faith in my life. It's a great litmus test to keep up on oneself and whether their priorities are in-line. If I were to attach a metaphor to this I would have to compare it to a scene from Indiana Jones (yes, I am as commercialized as anyone, even my metaphors seem like they should carry pre-credits of some production studio).

So, the very limited amount that I remember from the scene was that Indy needed to cross a gorge inside a cave. Somehow he discovered that while there didn't appear to be any way to cross, some gravel and dirt that was accidentally kicked over the side of the cliff remained suspended at his level. Spurred by curiosity he tosses a whole handfull of dirt out over the edge and it too remained suspended. Indy was quick to discover that an invisible path lay plotted out over the chasm, revealed by the now obviously suspended handfuls.

The idea of handing over my instinctive reaction of vigilance to me is like one of the handfuls of dirt, an initial validation that this leap of faith has an invisible yet ultimately proven bridge. To fully hand over these fears in my mind is to be able to walk out over that revealed path knowing it will be there and be able to release our instinct to recoil from the situation. Each time we need to conciously make it, this 'leap' becomes a more and more logical and valid response. We literally have to train our minds to act accordingly to what I'm convinced our soul already knows. Our immediate reaction may manifest the necessary, yet parochial survival response; still our soul and analytical processes need to ever more quickly assert the validity of that path across the chasm: calm faith.

Ok, so before anybody writes me off as a preacher trying to mask sermons under the guise of a 'blog,' I have one thing that needs to be mentioned I am in no way trying to 'talk at' you. This is as close to a form of prayer for me as anything, breaking down the logic and comfort of what still feels like a brand new release. My mind is a flurry with thoughts and ideas that seem to branch and blossom from each one preceding it. I feel blessed to see this endless dialogue with my mind and creator. I feel I am a priveledged partner in not only my comfort here and now, but my salvation and the origin of that comfort. While there is no way to for me to truly be a 'partner,' I am still amazingly the reason (one of many: all of us) for which God felt compelled to undergo the punishment of penitance as dictated by the Old Testament law to draw closer to us and liberate us.

"If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of

Then cool is just how far we have to fall

I am not immune-i only wanna be loved

But i feel safe behind the firewall...

I'm not alright- i'm broken inside, broken inside

And all i go thru-it leads me to you, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride, bring me to my weakness

'Til everything i hide behind is gone

And when i'm open wide with nothing left to cling to

Only you are there to lead me on

'Cuz honestly, i'm not that strong..."

Sanctus Real, I'm Not Alright

Amazing that our admission of weakness and inadequacy is the key to our realization of what our strengths can be when we know upon whom to depend...

I would be unwise not to mention another other response to the pressures of the mind to which we sometimes succumb: addiction; but that is something I will touch on in the next bit. I have to give you a break for sure. Consider this an intermission...'cause I feel like I'm only getting started! :)

(to be continued...)

A Slow Sunday

What a 'tag-line!' If I were in advertising I guess I would realize that such titles might not be the best way to increase readership, but guess what...I'm not in advertising and I can only assume that honesty is the best policy when it comes to one's blog. So, there it is: it's a slow Sunday. The sun's shining and the ground temperatures are warming the accumulated snow from the cold front mentioned in the last posting. Birds could actually be heard this morning and with their somewhat out-of-practice calls a tiny part of my insides jumped (I'm only assuming it was my heart and even so, maybe I have bigger issues for which to now consult a physician). Could it be that spring might be on the way? Are we safe to chip our way out of our igloos? Excuse me while I search for the nearest non-veneered wood furniture to knock on...

...ok, much better. You jinx the weather up here and you're only shooting yourself in the foot...the already numb and frostbitten foot.

The strangest thing happens on those scattered 'nice' days that pop up between storms out here, especially as we get towards the spring. Apparently people flock to the drive-through car washes. (Noteworthy subtext: I am just as much a lemming as the next guy for knowing this.) How odd it is that we all rush out in our vehicles, spending $5-8 in a hopeless belief that it will retain some seblance of shine a day or two later (in MN of all places). Well, I guess you can't blame people for optimism, but I gotta tell you that I would have been much better served spending that 20 minutes trapped in my portable solarium on a walk or something instead.

Oh well, I'm no sociologist (I took two classes in college though!), it just seems strange some of the things we do in spite of the reality of the situation staring us in the face. Spring won't feel like it's here for several more weeks and yet the gas stations will still do rather well off the hope of the masses. We tend to do those things that are instinctive and human, regardless of how we rationalize what we know to be the truth. We know what will most likely play out and yet we filter and market even to ourselves, masking the truth and catering it to our personal strengths and weaknesses. By no means am I assuming this is a bad thing, merely the reality of who we are and how we act and working to better understand that we in fact (somewhat embarrassingly) do this will lead to closer existance to the Truth. It loosely reminds me of a quote from C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity that I've been reading recently:

"We cannot do without it [Christianity] and we cannot do with it. God is the only comfort, He is also the supreme terror: the thing we most need and the thing we most want to hide from. He is our only possible ally and we have made ourselves His enemies." (Book 1, Chptr. 5)

It's the paradox of who I am and will continue to be in light of who I have become and Christ has seen to it that I have always will be: Forgiven. It's difficult to come to terms with the fact that my mistakes and shortcomings (the fruits of my humanity and free-will) are a necessity. While they often lead me to want to run and hide from the that to Whom I must answer, they are also the vehicle through which God made faith so intimate. I learn from my mistakes and desire to be better because I know God cared enough to experience the pain and suffering wrought by such misdoings...as a human nonetheless. This boundless empathy for His own creation was done out of pure love, to release us of our debts that we owe and cannot come close to paying back, a Father sacrificing all for His children.

That kind of sums up the last 4 years for me in my faith. Coming to terms with the fact and truth that compassion is the most important of all commandments, evidence in no more perfect example than Christ's sacrifice for us.

Ok, I realize this is a lot to digest and some of my segues are about as smooth as a wrecking ball against brick, but I keep trying to understand the full extent of this and its implications and how I need to try to in some small, but increasing manner play it out in my life and my interaction with others. Regardless, it's one of the most fascinating and breathtaking realizations I've had as a human being and for a Religion major for that to come after all his classes it's a pretty huge breakthrough I'd have to say. Well, take it as you may; but at least consider it in reference to how you know and feel love and the sacrifice that those who care for you would make. It helps to make it understandable if we put it in perspective to what we individually know. Pretty huge, huh? As you can tell, this is kind of the 'eureka' for me and I could probably go on and on. I'll spare you for now, plenty more to come. Brain meet soul...what a conversation they've had for me over the last few years.

Ok, well, low battery. Thanks for reading if you're still awake. (If you're not, sleep well. Zzzz) I'll catch you later. Off to a Sunday that seems to be comfortably slowing down even more...

What Ever Happened To "The Snow Day?"

So, I'm just going to assume that the last posting was enough to get you on track with my life. How presumptuous...as if there are really SO many concerned with being on the cutting-edge of life up here in MN. Well, anyway, deal with it. (You do always have the little red "X" in the upper-right corner...your HTML rip-cord essentially)

That being said, it snowed a bunch last night in the Cities. Went to Vespers at Bethel College (sweet, by the way) and by the time my friend and I came out there it was: Flakes the size of friggin doilies falling from the sky. And then there was this morning. It's best explained this way: So I live approximately 2 miles from where I work, most days taking approximately 10 minutes to get there. This morning in post-apocolyptic blizzard trimmings...try 45 minutes. Awesome! It was what I might imagine if air raid sirens went off in the middle of rush hour, people exploring traffic options that MDOT must've not been creative enough to fit into the books.

Well , not much else really beyond that excitement, once I reached work it was pretty much like any other day (amazing how a sea of non-descript cubicles and fluorescent light can do that to you.) Either that or I've just forgotten, since, like a slacker, I'm writing about "today" really as yesterday...can't even keep up with the homework I give myself apparently.

Well, I'm rockin' out to Kutless (www.kutless.com) and thinking I might need to go out for a walk and think a bit and get my head back in the game. Long day with plenty of situations in which grown adults acted more like toddlers, screaming and throwing tantrums. Corporations seem to produce a certain regression among customers and management, as unfortunate as it is to experience it's nice to know I still see it and am appalled by it, not going to get sucked into that mayhem. Hence my need to take a walk and make sure I'm thinking of Christ and working to get past the obstacles between faith, thought and prayer and real practice as a Christian. I'm by no means completely pulled-together or feel like I've come close to adequately making sure that Christ is the center of my life (I keep slipping up as I guess I will continue to do, the reason for his Sacrifice), but I know I'd be completely lost in this madness without knowing that that's where my efforts should be focused and my true comfort and validation is found. Anyone else out there who feels in a similar situation, hang in there and keep your perspective and purpose in mind. Remember you're free and have been given such an incredible gift of which none of us are deserving and yet still we find ourselves the recipients of Grace.

I'll catch ya later.

I'll Bring You Up To Speed...

This is what happens when a young mid-twenties male meets the reality of life outside academia. Three years into this "meeting" (after graduating a small liberal-arts college homegrown here in MN) inspiration, faith and unignorable personal motivation lead me from this reality to another one looming hopefully nearer than ever on the horizon: Medicine and actually giving back to this world on a daily basis. This is a far cry from the course of the last three years and an attempt to find a vocation in place of the penny apiece "jobs."